Its been almost 8 months since I ended things, knowing I was never really over you. All the serial dating from then until about a month and a half ago meant nothing. I was going through motions, reciting lines from a play I’ve starred in many many times. In the back of my mind there was always you. No matter how angry, upset, or hurt I was, there was always you. I never got to loving someone wholeheartedly when bits and pieces of my heart lay dormant with you. I couldn’t let you go because I couldn’t fathom the fact that this kind of bullshit happened to me. I look back to how I acted and I don’t even recognize that girl anymore. I put you before everything, risking looking like an asshole to the people who cared about me the most. I believed every word you said. I held on to every empty promise.
I was over all the drama but I still couldn’t let you go without wondering what you were doing or who you were spending your time with. I saw how it was eating me up inside. Like how I couldn’t sleep at night because I knew something wasn’t right between us. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself that things we’re okay between us, my heart wouldn’t let me sleep. I grew weary with every time you disappointed me.
I wanted to believe there was still love between the two of us. Then I realized the love was just coming from me. I was showering you with affection and support, while you settled for giving me material things that would “prove” your “love” to me. You were selfish asking me to give up my life and dreams just to be with you. You didn’t see anyone but yourself in our relationship. I put in so much time, so much effort, I went above and beyond for you, and it wasn’t enough for you to realize how good I treated you.
I lost myself when I gave into this illusion of love. All the dates and all the different guys just highlighted my own insecurities- insecurities that may have stemmed from earlier experiences with men. But you’re not a man. You’re just a little boy who plays games. You’re going to go through life lying, never really being happy with yourself. Your superficial pleasures will get old and you’ll end up lonely.
When I told you I was happy with my life right now it wasn’t because I was with someone - it was because I was finally able to let you go. All the break up to make ups weren’t worth it in the end. I cried so many tears for a boy who couldn’t look past himself. I don’t need you or any other man to make me feel like I’m worth something. I’m just now realizing I don’t have to settle for someone who can’t be honest, who can’t respect me, or who can’t treat me right. I loved you more than you deserved.
Holding onto thoughts of us and replaying the bullshit in my head was making me a bitter person. I couldn’t let the next guy have a real chance because I figured I was going to go through the same type of bullshit. Granted some of my generalization hold some truth but there has to be a good man out there or me. I’m going to be with someone who is worthy of my trust. No more settling for liars just like you. I’m done trying to fix what was wrong in our relationship with boys who play your game. I’m done with everything. And thats why I’m happy.
@2 years ago
If you don’t have anything nice to say… Then come sit by me
@2 years ago
The guy I like doesnt know anything about me and the guys I’m not interested in keep trying to talk to me. Guess timing is off. I’ll be patient. All I need is one boy to love
@2 years ago
1) strictly enforce no bullshit policy 2) drop 2 sizes by September 3)graduate 4) find a job 5) let go of things that’ve happened in the past
@2 years ago
