4.12 149 m2 3d@1 year ago
4.12 149 m2 3d@1 year ago
Okay I wasn’t going to blog bout this ish but I guess I have to cuz its really starting to change the way I’m feeling about everything. I’m prone to slip into a depressive state but I won’t.
For me, I’m used to people talking shit and judging me. Ever since I was young people have been all up in my business. But it really hurts when people start talking about my babies. How anyone found out about the first or second time is still a mystery because only a handful of people knew. Just because of what happened didn’t mean I didn’t want them. That really wasn’t the case for either. And the first one stung the most. I still cry about it. Anytime I think of them I get sad. So having people talk shit about that situation brings up mixed feelings of sadness, anger, and pain. I just want people to leave me alone. Why do they always need to be in my business 24/7? These people aren’t even fb friends or follow me on twitter. What else can I do?!?@1 year ago
To move far far away from everybody. I want to start a new life where nobody knows who I used to be, the things I used to do… I just want to be far FAR away. So nobody can find me…@1 year ago
4.9 151@1 year ago
So far I managed to stay positive. I’m not trying to think about anything bad. So while I was trying to distract myself I thought about insecurity and infidelity in relationships.
The guys who I’ve dated claimed to have issues with my guy friends… Darrel in particular. They also didn’t like the fact that I used to go out a lot. True I get hit on at least once when I go out. But I’ve been getting attention from guys at such a young age it doesn’t really phase me.
First boyfriend was in preschool. He gave me a power ranger tshirts.
At 5 there was a boy who lived around the block from me who would pick me up in his power wheels. He moved away and I remember being really sad
At 9, my brothers 13/14 year old friend had a crush on me.
At 10, that’s when attention from guys (from school and from Hockey) came normally. The stares, the smiles didn’t phase me as much (unless I actually liked the guy)
I was smart when I was young. I didn’t wanna be in a relationship with anybody and I kept it simple. I didn’t even kiss a “boyfriend” til I was 16. Before that I was the one stringing guys along. I used to be so good at detecting bullshit. Adrien was always a good guy he just wanted to be really serious and I wasn’t ready for an engagement.
I need to be stronger when it comes to this kinda stuff. No more letting shit pass@1 year ago
I’m really trying to stay positive. I met someone who has the potential to be someone worth being with through thick and thin. He really does seem like a good guy. I just hope I’m not wrong about this one.
This post isn’t going to be about him though. Lately I’ve been thinking about what I really want (and definitely do not want) in a relationship. It encompasses all aspects of being in a relationship. I’m gonna go by the last three relationships I’ve been in.
What I liked- he worked hard to try to give me nice things. He literally gave me everything. He was very protective. He really loved mr despite the lying (honestly, he was still a kid mentally).
What I hated- he lied constantly. Other girls were involved. He was too clingy. He stopped making time for me. He lacked commitment to anything he did in life. He didn’t have the motivation to make his life right. Pothead. Tried too hard with nothing to show for it.
What I liked: he had a lot to talk about. He pushed me to do better. he was okay with doing his own thing and letting me do mine. He would do anything I asked. He never lied and told me he loved me.
What I hated: other girls were involved. We were too different. He hung out with losers. My friends thought he was annoying. Not cultured and didn’t understand the value of family.
What I liked: we connected physically ( I mean the other two were fun too but he was the best). He took care of me whenever I was sick. I remember the sweetest thing he ever did was pick a flower and handed it to me all wilted. Simple gestures like that meant a lot. He tried to get to know my family. He would come to see me and gave me all his attention. When he held me everything just felt better. The things he said (though they weren’t true) really meant a lot to me. If I asked him to do something he would do it. The feeling of believing him when he said ” I love you”. Made me feel beautiful/sexy. We had so many things in common as far as interests went. We did everything together.
What I hated: he had no morals. He was still a little boy. He lied and cheated on me constantly. He easily did things he did to me without hesitation. No sense of family. Didn’t appreciate what I gave him. He used me. Not a good father/person. Had too many issues he wasn’t trying to deal with. Not ready for commitment yet promised it. Too lost. Eyes wandered too much. Conceited. Hypocrite.
Out of these three I cared about all of them. I really truly loved mark. No matter what he did it didn’t matter because I hoped that if I was good to him he wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize losing me. Foolish, I suppose, but when youre in love - it was unconditional for me. With Brandon it was puppy love. I know I broke his heart when I ended our engagement but he took me for granted one too many times. Nick was more of a rebound from Brandon, but he and I kinda had that understanding that it wasn’t going to be more than companionship. I wasn’t really hurt by what he lied about. It was just a reason to move on. Mark… My feelings were very strong from the getgo. The first night we did everything. And it all felt so real. I thought he was trapped in a bad situation that he couldn’t get out of. That’s why I still tried to make it work when he told me him and Adriana were done. Now I see how his game works. After losing what I lost (and yes they were losses on my end), I just couldn’t do this with him anymore. I probably felt it in December. I tried acting on it but I didn’t know how to let go of someone I have everything to. I trusted him with EVERYTHING and he just tossed my heart and feelings aside like it was nothing. Really was the only real heartbreak I experienced. With Brandon I let it go quickly. I didn’t even cry when i realized it was over. With mark I cried every night. Every single night we didn’t sleep next to each other or he failed to make time for me I knew what was going on. I was mad at him and I was angry with myself. I really couldn’t just stop loving him. I lost myself in that relationship. I became everything I advised my friends not to do in relationships. I could see everything but all that mattered to me was the love I felt in my heart for him. We had so many talks about the future. When we had sex it felt like our souls were connecting. Like he felt something just as deeply as I felt for him. Sex with him was an emotional experience that transcended any mere physical interaction I had shared with anyone else.
I’ve had lots of sexual experiences with other boys. He pleased me in every way because of the love that was there from the very first date. Do I think mark was in love with me? Probably at some points in our relationship. He probably got scared. I think he is afraid of commitment. When things got bad I was the one who put in all the work. All he had to do was tell me he still wanted me and I’d be the one trying to make things right between us.
I’m so glad I’m done with it. That relationship drained me. I’m surprised a how strong I’ve become. How I’m still willing to give my heart to someone and give love a try. I gave myself two months to really find myself. And I mean I was rock bottom. My heart and soul was crushed. But luckily I picked myself up and fixed what needed to be fixed. Now I’m with someone who I’m somewhat taking my time with - at least trying to. I do notice it’s easier to give myself to him physically than it is emotionally, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care about him. I really do. I just can’t tell him I love him. I mean, if I’m doing right by him and still puttin in effort in our relationship, do I really need to rush to use the words “I love you”?!? I don’t think so. By using those words, it makes everything real. And I want to make absolutely sure neither he nor I are using each other as a rebound. I don’t think I would let it get as far as it did if I was still hung up on mark. But the cynic in me wonders if this is what my boyfriend is doing with me. I hope he isn’t the type to do this. Especially since I already feel like we’ve connected on a deeper emotional level. I really like him. And I want to be able to open up to him, but I’d be stupid to not be cautious. My judgement hasn’t always been sound and I don’t think I could handle another heartbreak.@1 year ago
October is usually the month I meet someone who I crush on. This is the first year in a long while I’ve had a boyfriend during this month. Too bad my boyfriend hasn’t really been around. The older I’m getting the more I want someone who will be around. I keep reassessing this relationship and I don’t know if I can keep making excuses for him…
@1 year ago
I just want someone who is there for me