Letoya- obvious

All I need in this life of sin

Is me and my boyfriend. Jon and I have been seeing each other everyday since Vegas. Hardly any fights (or arguments). I love the way we converse. It’s so open and honest. I’ve never had that before.

Yesterday the topic of living together came up. I could see it happening. But how will I know where we’ll be next year as far as finances go? Hopefully we’ll get there by next year. I really want to be engaged before I live with anyone though. I have no doubt in my heart that Jon is the one I’m going to marry. I can say that with confidence. As much as we want to take our time, things just seem to click with us. I don’t regret anything we’ve done. I don’t feel like we rushed anything even though our relationship evolved quickly. It wasn’t even sexual in the beginning.

When he looks at me I know he loves me. I just worry sometimes he’ll look at me one day and not want me anymore. My abandonment issues. But he’s proven his love for me. And we’ve gotten to know a lot about each other. I respect him a lot even though I play with him.

He is sweet and amazing… Everything I’ve ever needed from a man. And I can honestly say he’s all mine. And I don’t ever intend on letting some other girl try n take my place. I love him mind, body, and soul…

Its been a while since I’ve updated

Lately Jon and I have been having some arguments. Most of the time its my fault, yet at the same time I don’t feel its my fault because its something that I feel I can’t control.

We talked last night about the things in our relationship. After the conversation I feel better about us. But at the same time, I worry that the way I am will push him away for good. I hear the impatience in his voice. I hear how fed up he is having practically the same conversations over and over. 

He says he understands where I’m coming from, but at the same time I feel he would be more considerate. Its not his fault. I’ve been through things in my life that not a lot of people would understand. I am really close to Darrel because he knows how to handle me with all the history we’ve had. Darrel took the time to get to know my reactions, my mannerisms, and he knows what everything means. I don’t even have to say a single word- he can tell by the tone in my voice or the expression on my face. He knows me best. And its not that I want to push Jon away. Its because he says things that make how I’m feeling worse. I think its because he doesn’t really know how much things have affected me. He hasn’t gone through it. He didn’t know the way I was before. I want him to be the one I always go to, its just… I don’t think he knows me well enough yet. Maybe this will all come in time, but will this all be worth it to him.

I love Jon deeply. And I know I talk about not wanting to think about marriage, but I picture it happening the two of us. Not just as a daydream, but as something tangible - but that will come when the time is right. One of the things that scares me is not knowing where we’ll be emotionally, financially in… lets say a year from now…

I don’t even know what I’m saying right now… I guess I just worry that hes not seeing things the same way I am. I don’t wanna waste my time with another guy. I dont want another dead end relationship. 

Those are my fears. I think he wants the same things. Thats why we saw each other as often as he did. I don’t know if the beginning was as sincere as it was with me. But now, I feel like we’re on the same page.

I feel horrible for the things I think. I know in my heart hes not like that. But my logic… is so used to a different type of normal. I’ve trusted too many people who have taken advantages of my love. None of this is on Jon at all. I love him, I’m in love with him, and I want us to last forever. 

I believe we will. I’m going to keep trying to work for our future. I think he is worth it. He makes me happy. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a very long while. And I feel so deeply. God I can’t describe what I’d do for Jon. I pray everyday for him, for us and our relationship. Hes a gift I don’t want ever taken away.

He is the Reason…

Our love is the reason I stay grounded and sane. It motivates me, inspires me, and challenges me. His presence calms and excites me at the same time. I can’t imagine my forever with anybody else. I got what I always wanted and dreamed of. Together we are perfect. The others from our past didn’t deserve us. They are apart of the past and hold no place in our future. Think of them just as bumps in the road that led us to one another.

He showed me true love does exist. He is teaching me how to trust again. He is teaching me self confidence; taking pride in my work with all the love and support he has given and continues to give me. For that I can never thank him enough. All I can do is promise him that I will be in love with him always and forever. I am his and only his! We fit together so well just like pieces of a puzzle. I feel complete when he is with me and when hes gone a part of me is missing. This is only the beginning of our amazing life we plan to share together! I cannot wait to see what the future holds :) He will always have my heart, and I his. Waking up to his face and touch every morning is my favorite time because when i see his eyes and smile it makes my world light up. And i know you are the one I have waited for my entire life and I promise to never let you go babe!

Freestyle Poetry

So I was feeling very poetic on May 8, 2012 at 2 in the morning. For some reason I felt I needed to speak. These were words I couldn’t say to my boyfriend at the time because I had just recently felt myself fall in love with him and I was scared to admit it.

BROKEN- 05/08/2012 2:06AM

Feeling Boy I cant stop this feel

i try to fight this feeling but it wont go away

i want to hold you and tell you how i feel

but im scared will you feel the same way?

i cant say it

ive said it before to somebody else who wasnt anything like you

and i thought it was real

so how can you someone different show me something different?

but i trust you

i wanna be with you

i wanna hold you

i want you to see who i really am

i want you to explore my heart and see whats inside my mind

but how can i?

im broken

i dont know how to love

i know what i feel is love

but im too scared

to share

this love

how can i?

im broken

will you still want me

if you know

the real me?

if i give you everything 

will you take it

and run away with it

and never look back

is that all  you want

for me to tell you i love you  

and the games over

are you just in it for the chase

or do you want that place

in my heart

forever

im broken

i wish i could tell you

i love you

but im scared

conversation with an ex

I’m so sick of these types of conversations… Its been 3+ years since we’ve had sex or even seen each other, then you wanna come at me with that kind of mess?!? I’m a very loyal girlfriend, what makes you think you bringing up our old sex life which I never think about or even remember will make me wanna sext you or whatever it is you wanted from bringing that shit up? you’re fucking retarded! i may be a freak, but I’m a loyal one. Im one bitch that doesn’t need to stray. 

Unlike you, when I say I love someone- I mean it! I’m trying to change so that my man and I can be happier. You need to respect that…

[3:06:49 AM] b: u know me

[3:06:59 AM] Mari Stellar: ?

[3:07:08 AM] b: i mena like my sex drive

[3:07:09 AM] b: mean

[3:07:44 AM] Mari Stellar: i dont wanna sound like a bitch, but i dont really remember anymore

[3:08:01 AM] b: lol

[3:08:03 AM] b: its cool

[3:08:06 AM] b: we had a lot of sex tho

[3:08:31 AM] Mari Stellar: cuz we saw each other like once every 4 months

[3:08:58 AM] b: yea

[3:09:03 AM] b: made it worth it

[3:09:25 AM] b: i miss our sex tbh

[3:10:32 AM] Mari Stellar: i dont think about it

[3:10:55 AM] Mari Stellar: i really cant remember what we did

[3:11:33 AM] b: the way u let me eat u out

[3:11:48 AM] b: and the way u would ride it and i would fuck u from the bottom with your boobs in my mouth and ass in my hand

[3:11:56 AM] b: and bending u over

[3:12:00 AM] b: i miss your ass

[3:12:02 AM] b: js

[3:12:03 AM] b: sorry

[3:12:07 AM] b: it was good

[3:12:10 AM] Mari Stellar: really inappropriate

[3:12:11 AM] b: ill leave it at that

[3:12:14 AM] b: umm well sorry

[3:13:14 AM] Mari Stellar:  i just respect my bf enough to not want to talk about that

[3:13:20 AM] b: sorry

[3:13:42 AM] Mari Stellar: its whatevs just talk bout something else if you want to talk to me. i dont ever think about us having sex so dont ever bring that shit up again. if you cant control yourself, then dont talk to me.

Clear the air

So, I want to address two very different topics in this entry… 

First, I would like to talk about my relationship with my best friend. Rrel and I have known each other for 10+ years. We’re one of those besties that other people wonder why we aren’t together. Honestly, I don’t know what it is about him, that I just can’t commit to, all I know is that - for me - it just doesn’t feel right. On paper, he is everything I would want in a man. He is responsible, driven, kind-hearted, attractive, funny, respectful,… the list goes on and on. Given the fact that the only reason we didn’t take it to something physical was because I didn’t want to be the one to take his V-card, there were plenty of times in the past the topic came up. Its so weird, I can sleep in his bed, fall asleep in his arms, yet still not feel comfortable having him be my boyfriend. I know that before my reasoning was because I felt I wasn’t ready for something so serious. That if I was with him, that would be it. We would get married, have a family, etc etc. Then the reason changed to “I’m not good enough for you. You deserve better” Now, its just not right. He is an amazing man. I love him very much. But not in the way I love Jon. 

I don’t care what people think of our relationship. I don’t think its anything for my boyfriend to worry about. I don’t think its anybody’s place to even say “You should just be with Darrel”.  Darrel and I are kindred spirits. He gets me… He knows what I’m feeling even without me having to say a word… and sometimes he doesn’t even need to see me to know something is up. We’re just in tune with each other like that. I’m very blessed to have someone like him in my life. I wouldn’t give up our friendship for anything.

on to the next one

I didn’t even want to address this, because he has become so irrelevant in my life. But talking to my boyfriend about my previous relationship opened up a can of worms I didn’t even realize existed.

So a couple of weeks ago he calls me and tells me he is sorry. That he is going to Afghanistan and wants to tell me hes sorry so that I know how serious he is. My opinion- he hasn’t changed. He is just as selfish as ever. He just wanted me to feel sorry for him, but truth be told- I don’t give a shit about how he is doing, where he is going, who he is with. I’ve been done thinking about him. He wanted to keep pressing the issue with me and told me that I was being mean and that my words were hurtful.

Honestly, if he valued our relationship at any point he wouldn’t have cheated on me or taken advantage of me as much as he did. I’m not  even gonna sit here and try to justify any of his behavior. He is a piece of shit. His mother should be ashamed of raising a disgusting human being. HE had some fucking nerve telling me I was mean, when he was the reason we never worked out. He was the reason our family was ruined. I did everything I could to try to make him happy. I was the only one in love in that relationship. And thats the truth. There are no sorries that could ever fix the wrongs you’ve done to me. Just pray that karma doesn’t get you when you’re in Afghanistan you little bitch.

With that being said

I really, truly love Jon with ALL of my heart. Nobody else is going to change how i feel about him. This one is the REAL deal. I don’t need anything else.

Freestyle Poetry 2

Battered and Bruised May 8, 2012 2:12AM

You look at me like

theres something deeper you’re trying to dig in my eyes

as if the words im saying

aren’t explaining everything that you want to know

but how do i start where do i go

to begin i want you to know that ive been broken

my hearts been battered and bruised

i dont want to start something so serious if im just gonna be used

i wanna be in love

i wanna feel real love

but i dont know how to trust

you seem like such a great guy

maybe everything that im looking for

but i cant trust you

because of the one that came before

he hurt me

and broke my heart real bad

i wanna forget the past

but i cant with all the pain ive had

how do i put this

you could possibly be the one

the only thing holding me back from being with you is me

i cant put myself in that position to get hurt again

i dont want to end up crying every night

i dont want to stay awake all night

wondering who youre with when youre not with me

i dont want to have to worry about who youre talking to on your phone when im not around

i dont wanna know about the secret accounts

cuz i dont wanna be that jealous bitch

i dont wanna be that insecure hoe

that you just come to whenever youre in the mood for a little bit of love

or should i say lust

see i was in love

i gave my heart and my soul to a boy who will never know how much he really hurt me

and its so unfair to you and im sorry

but i dont know

how to let go

of him

not my feelings of love

but my fear of being in love

with someone who doesnt love me

you may think you feel something deeper than a liking

but how do you really know im the one

what if im not different from any of  the  other girls that youve said this to before

what if youre not any different from the boy that  i thought was a man that came before you

see lifes complicated

and i dont know how to go through this without being so damn jaded

i wanna give you kisses

i wanna wake up next to you every morning

i wanna be texting you throughout the day telling you how much im thinking about you and how much i love you

but how do i just let all the hurt go

my heart is still beatin but its bruised

so i dont know how to love you without feeling used

5 months later…

I’ve fallen so deeply. And it’s so amazing cuz the loving moment we have when we look into each others eyes is all REAL. what’s even better is I trust him. I know I trip out on him just because I’ve been conditioned to do so with my last relationship. But slowly I’m able to breathe and just accept that though he isn’t perfect in nature. He is perfect for me. I really love him.

A couple of weeks ago we talked about if I would wait for him if he got deployed. And he asked, “would you marry me?” and I said yes and really saw it happening. I think if he asked me now I would say yes. Course we wouldn’t get married til we were both right in our financial situation, but I would marry him.

This is the realest relationship ive been in. And I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. It’s weird but I feel like everyday were workin on our future together. Before I used to ask him of he really did love me because I didn’t know if he was really. Now I ask it because its my way of pinching myself to make sure I’m not dreaming.

There are still a few things I need to fix with myself. But I think I’ll get over it soon. It’s so silly how I’ve been feeling this past month.

Ever since he asked that question I can’t help but smile and blush. It’s like he found out a secret I’ve been hiding. I wish our financial situations were better. But it’s okay. We’ll get through it together.

I love him so much. I know I’ve tested him, questioned him, doubted him but he really has proven himself. He and I are an amazing team. I’m so lucky I found him.